That little hammock is sunken back into memory like...

That little hammock is sunken back into memory like
it was sunken into the night before the colors woke up,
like the portrait of the wavering moon was
as it resigned into the water.

The porch to which it was tethered creaked
its intimate disapproval when we moved to swat at the mosquitoes
that kissed my arms and not hers.

There was a digression
and the calling songs of the crickets in the worn-out shrubs
overcame our breathing;
the organic smells of seaweed and beachrock scared off
the thickness of our sweat.

My eyes were closed.

After that pause,
I followed her, blindfolded, through the rest of the house,
relying only on the tug of her hand for guidance,
and forgetting already the dusk on the sound.

Listen...

Listen.

Silence is the sound of asteroids colliding,
reverberations of nothing,
like the universe is holding its breath.
In it I hear the hum of
our heartbroken divisions.

I pull you toward me
like holding my ear to the ground
to hear your thoughts before you say them.
I want to travel with you
like waking up in
a moving elevator’s amnesia.
Lend me your periscope, that I might
watch the story of your landscape,
the explanation of the hills’ undulating curves
until I feel the grassblades.

Our bodies are more our possessions than
our selves.
We barter them for reassurance
that our isolation is contrived,
but our awarenesses embrace like fish would.
We gasp for breath, using our devotions
like life rafts and Teflon
but they’re more like grappling hooks, ropes
from which we swing when
the wall is impassable.
You are hesitant to trade me your twine
and we are both slipping.

I don’t want to catch you,
but plummet next to you. So
tell me what you are hiding, or
hold me close enough
to hear it inside you.
I am listening for the hum
of your heartbreak,
but all I can hear is the chortling
of your demons.
I know we can’t reach,
but try. There is
importance in the space
between fingers about to touch,
even if they never do,
like an old woman's desperate stare
into her husband’s distant eyes,
even when he can't remember her,
like gravity redirecting a comet
around a planet it won’t hit.

I'm not asking you to love me.
I'm asking you to hold me like
you're not afraid of me,
like the rest of our segmented existence
was rearranging outside of our manic clutch,
like this curb was the lip of a volcano,
like this was your last chance.
It might be.
Anchor me while this sidewalk melts.
Tell me what you are hiding.
Hum me your heartbreak.
Weave your confusion into mine
and clench until we suffocate,
until we have no choice but to float,
until we are wound together,
an inseparable spool, a cosmic collision,
our fracture across instead of between us.

Hold me.
Suffer with me.

Then pick me off like a scab.
Shudder the pink of a new scar
as you disregard this protection.
Don’t look back now.
Supernova between us; we are distant.
Goodnight.
I will miss you.
Goodbye.

All I remember is the abrupt end...

All I remember is the abrupt end,
a butcher-knife amputation of my right hand
then the sparkling fade to blackness as I hemorrhaged you.
My last thought
was, “Good fucking riddance.”
My God agrees with me
and I hope he takes from you everything you love.
I hope your convict boyfriend stabs you through the kneecap
with a screwdriver
twists it
and doesn’t get cited to his parole officer.
I hope that, when you hear this, the flesh on your face crawls
until you want to peel it off like a potato skin,
clawing long, legato gashes down your cheeks.
What? Did you think I would chase you?
Or that you could drag me along
like a reluctant poodle in the park?
Was this a chess move or a dice-roll?
Or are you just fed up with me like I am with you?

I know that I’m damaged.
You don’t have to rub it in my face.
Because even if I bathed in acceptance
of my regrets and mistakes
and you scrubbed me with a Brillo pad full of reminders
there would still be eleven steps before I’m fixed
and I’m not even willing to take the second one for you.

You want this
to weigh on me like Atlas holding up the skies
crushing my pride
to the resigned buzzing of a fly caught
in the swift plastic of a flyswatter,
its wings twitching ineffectual apologies aloud.
But pride
is far easier to maintain than intimacy.
Purposeful. Optimized.
This is a chess move, not a dice-roll.

You hacked with your pompous hedge-clippers
At the tethers that rope my inflated insecurities
to the ground,
keeping them from wafting away.
You cracked me in half like a coconut—
who I am and who I could be—
and refused to mix the milks.
We both chose ourselves over each other.
But I still miss you.

I just won’t follow you into the street, pleading.
You always wanted to know why I never
wrote a poem about you.
I know this isn’t exactly what you had in mind, but
I am admitting that you hurt me.
And you couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t care about you.
This is as vulnerable as I’m ever willing to get.
It’s a risk. A dice-roll.
I hope that, when you hear this, you’ll accept its value,
because nothing else is coming.
It’s your move.

The Fall

The Fall

You left me
with the sorts of vagaries
that I can only scribble on fast-food napkins,
a handful of adjectives with all of their paint scraped off
wrestling in a Ziploc.
You were the sketch artist
who drew my caricature and
shrunk the fracture in my life theory
instead of exaggerating the way its growling ripples played
across the skyline.
It’s high time I find my niche and you—
you dug a hole for me to hide in without
burying me alive
for a while. I
remember my childhood:
spinning in dark little circles like foreshadowing
mixed with naiveté and innocent play in
just the way that I thought I detested
then.
Maybe I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy or
consumed by sardonic justice
that blossoms in my gut like a black dandelion
as I heave my keys toward the wall
and watch them float through it
making the plaster ripple away
until the whole room stretches
from the impact. You
left me
but I forgive you
because in the lucidity that followed
I appreciated all of the ways
that you made life worse—
make life worse—
and I loved you for it.
You are a shape-shifter,
a weight-lifter,
a fantasy that reflects every contour of my perspective
perfectly, like a liquid mirror
dribbling into the acne-bump divots of my face,
smoothing my pot-bellied stomach,
and disguising my fetal penis.
You are a coat of armor,
a spacesuit.
You take root and lace through the plain moods
to cut my brain loose.
When I taste you I know I can make due,
but I hate you.
I don’t want you back, I just
can’t think of a way to
replace the missing bricks without
tearing down the whole wall and starting over.
It’s a hassle, and I’m already tired.
I can avoid it if you let me
because you left me,
but you can come back.
And I ask you
not as an appeal to your pride
or your morality or your loyalty,
but to your pity.
I don’t think I can be anything more
if I can’t have you inside of me again.

Qualifications

Last night, I won my first slam in Atlanta. It was hosted at the Mocha Match Coffee Bar in Decatur, and it was a qualifying slam for the Art Amok team. I must place in two more slams before I'm eligible for the team. I should probably write more poems...

Next week, the first qualifying slam for the Atlanta team will be held at Java Monkey. I intend to be there to smash heads. I'm excited about this slam season. It's looking good...

I also will be posting some of my poems here, starting with one today.